Successful Grief Journaling by T Bowyer

Grief isn’t linear. It shows up differently for individuals. How can you offer support for those who find ‘fluffy’ grief support futile, perhaps they’re looking for something rooted in deep truth and Scripture. T Bowyer from Faith Recovery Journal has authored an alternative (and straightforward) bereavement support resource. Read on to learn more.

by T Bowyer

Most people begin journaling with good intentions. They buy a notebook, sharpen a pencil, and write a few purposeful lines. Then life intervenes. They miss a day, maybe two, and suddenly blank pages stare back at them in silent accusation. They tell themselves they'll 'catch up', but over time the impulse fades and the promise evaporates. Eventually, the notebook ends up under a pile of 'important' papers — an abandoned, blank, forlorn testimony to faded aspirations.

Grief journaling fails for the same reasons, but with higher stakes. The reasons are typically of the same ilk: perfectionism, self-censorship, the fear that some unauthorised person might stumble upon it, thus inveigling honesty into performance. Trying to write a mighty tome instead of pithy truths; making grand, boisterous declarations that, without commensurate action, birth the stillborn children of empty ambition. Then grief remains unspoken, the heart and spirit unhealed.

I created my grief journal over two years after seeing deep, joy-destroying sorrow in my wife's eyes. Our beloved son passed from illness at age 11. I've handled it differently than she has—I've accepted it; she has not. I wanted to give her restoration of spirit and a healed heart.

I thought it was simply a question of finding the right grief journal, but I quickly became disillusioned. Each book I found was but devotional fluff: platitudes, rectitudes, and that particularly obnoxious soporific 'it is well' that trivialises genuine pain. As someone who once woke up in a world that would never again be the same, I assure you it is not always well.

Anyway, eventually, I decided to author a journal — a deliberate, candid, planned journey from A to B to C. Whoever completed the journey would emerge restored through faith in the Lord.

I recognised from the outset that journaling is difficult even at the best of times. It asks for honesty, focus, and discipline — three things grief shatters. Grief drains the will to act. Grievers think: "Tomorrow," but that tomorrow never comes.

Grief journaling is the difference between circling pain and confronting it. We cannot sidestep grief; that only makes it fester. Grief needs attention that transmutes agony into a manageable ache that can make way for joy. Also, a faith-driven grief journal must reunite the journaler with God.

Regularity — daily pages and steady word counts — judges ordinary journaling. But grief journaling demands more. It demands change, transformation within you. If, after months of grief journaling, you are no less bitter, no more honest, no closer to peace, then something has gone wrong. A grief journal is not a scrapbook of pain! It is a tool for doing the work, not for decorating pages.

When change occurs, the griever surrenders what once was clutched, noticing small mercies: morning light through a window, a stranger's kindness, and just... people, going about their everyday business. One doesn't get over grief, but one doesn't have to be its hostage.

So, what does 'doing the work' actually mean?

* Making time — not leftovers, not the dregs of your day, but real, deliberate time. God is not one you fit in when convenient. He is the centre of the universe, not a side appointment or an afterthought.

* Being honest, even savagely so. Write the rage. Write 'How dare You?' if that's what you really feel. God can take it. You will not shock Him. Pretending to be composed before God is like dressing up for surgery.

* Stepping out of isolation. Grief pushes us into the corners of our minds. Few truly understand our despair, so we withdraw. But solitude feeds misery; fellowship, even reluctant fellowship, starves it. Join with other Christians even when you don't feel like it. Joy unites; grief isolates.

* Confronting weakened faith. Do not shove your doubts under a mental carpet. Faith is not the absence of doubt; it is the choice to be grateful and obedient despite doubt. Some days you will not feel faithful. Grief journaling will help you to practise being faithful anyway.

Thus, doing the work means appearing before God naked, stripped of pretence. It means accepting that this path is hard and will not become easy simply because you are praying about it. But hard is not hopeless! The pain that brought you to your knees is the same pain that can teach you to walk again.

Even my journal will not do the work for you. But it is the practical frame that will hold you steady while you tread the path to your renewal. The work is yours until, at last—God willing—you bless your wound instead of cursing it.

The finish line exists. But only those who take the journey can reach it.

Author's bio:

T Bowyer is the author of the Faith Recovery Journal. Visit faithrecoveryjournal.com for more information and to download a comprehensive PDF sample.